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Satanists to Toronto: FORD MORE YEARS

imageA satanic church known as the Cloven Path Ministry is here at Fan Expo extolling the virtues of Toronto’s mayor in an effort to get him back in office for another term.

The centerpiece of their booth is a 6-foot tall golden idol of the corpulent magistrate holding a crack pipe and looking decidedly pleased with himself.

Says Pastor Morgan Wilkes, when the idol was unveiled on Friday, it created a “psychic overflow; a miracle so big, it could not be contained.”

“[Rob Ford] echoes the accolades of what this ministry is about: Lust, fantasy, desire and power.”

Wilkes goes on to say that Ford is great for the city, especially in terms of tourism. Their mission now, though, is to get their giant golden idol down to the steps of city hall in order to bolster the mayor’s campaign efforts.

In the midst of the CPM’s dubious efforts to aid in Ford’s bid for mayor, however, is a pretty significant “faith in Humanity restored” element. Laid at the idol’s feet is a pride flag on which is written “FRED PHELPS IS DEAD”.

“We like to remind people that that horror is over” says Wilkes. “There’s a lot of oppressed people all over the world that can’t even walk around with a rainbow flag that DOESN’t say Fred Phelps is dead on it in fear if persecution.”

“We show this flag for all the people who can’t speak, who can’t show their pride. Fred Phelps is dead; that level of oppression is behind us.”

You can find out more about the CPM at


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